


Snowy Dots

by snowydot



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, F/F, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 02:54:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20128177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowydot/pseuds/snowydot
Summary: Beca is used to always be stumbling through life. When she ends up falling almost face-to-face to a beautiful redhead, she doesn’t expect it to be the (start of the) healing of her mental illness.





	Snowy Dots

**Author's Note:**

> *WARNING: this story talks about eating disorder and contains a suicide attempt. If you find any of this uncomfortable or triggering, please do not read it. 
> 
> I might add that I would NEVER encourage or romanticize an eating disorder or suicidal behaviors, I don’t wish anyone to go through any of this. I’m just sharing the things I’ve been through and explaining the meaning behind my username and my two tattoos.

**Spring**

Living in New York City is beautiful, they say. 

There’s the Central Park and all those places they shot movies many years ago and stupid tourists stop by to admire every year. There’s the frozen lakes on winters, so you can go and ice-skate and live that dreamy life of white Christmas like on cliché tv shows. 

There’re beaches to go on Summers, bouquets to arrange on Springs and leaves to jump on on Autumns. 

For Beca, living in New York City is a nightmare. 

For Beca, living in New York City feels like living in the world. There’re people from everywhere, a mix of different languages and cultures and religions and lifestyles.

It all started when her parents divorced and her mom packed up, taking Beca and her older brother to a place where nobody knows who they are. 

It took two years for Beca’s world start to crash. 

Staring at the mirror on the corridor of their little apartment in New York City, Beca analyzes her look. She jumps twice to make sure the rocks in her pocket aren’t so loud and decides on adding a few more before spotting her brother staring at her from his bedroom door. 

Beca freezes, a tiny rock still stuck between her fingers. 

“I won’t tell mom, Becs.” Dylan smiles sweetly at her. “I just want you to get better and if you think putting rocks into your pockets will let you to that, I’m with you.” He gives Beca a wink and closes his bedroom door. 

Beca doesn’t move. She stays there, feet glued to the floor as if they’d gotten roots intertwined with the carpet. 

They say eyes are the window of the soul. Beca should be careful about looking deeply into her reflection’s eyes and scare herself out. 

She slides the rock into her pocket and leaves the apartment. 

Beca thinks spring is cheesy. All those flowers filling up the trees around give a couple-y vibe, as if only couples are allowed to be alive in this season. But also, spring makes Beca feel as if there’s something deep buried inside her chest screaming to come out, to flourish.

But she has no idea what it is. 

It’s cold outside. The flowers look as pale as Beca and she crosses her arms on her chest and walks faster, her head focused on the loud music playing on the headphones she takes everywhere. She sings along with Elton John’s  _“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”_ and thinks about how she wants to go back to her roots again, just like the song says. 

Beca’s so concentrated on walking and singing she doesn’t notice the redhead sitting on the sidewalk and ends up stumbling against her sloppily, almost falling to the floor, only saved by the stranger girl who holds her up.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” 

Beca waits until the redhead takes her hands from her hips. “Hey, not problem.” The girl looks up and Beca meets the bluest eyes she’s ever seen. “You were singing Elton John, right?” 

“I guess?” Beca shakes her head, trying to look less awkward. 

The girl chuckles lightly, bringing a weird feeling to Beca’s stomach when she thinks it must be the sweetest sound she’s ever heard. “So you’re not sure?” 

“Dude.” Beca shrugs, her hand running nervously through her hair. 

“Well, I love that song.” The smile never leaves the girl’s face. “I’m Chloe, by the way.” 

Beca accepts the hand Chloe offers her. “Beca.” She checks the hours on her phone screen. “Shit, I’m late.” Beca quickly helps the redhead put the crayons back together where they were before she made them all fly away. 

“Just saying, you have a lovely voice.” Chloe smiles at her once again and Beca blushes deeply. “And I think you should have this.” 

Chloe hands her a folded paper and Beca awkwardly takes it from her, feeling weird about accepting something from someone she’s known for less than five minutes. “Uh, thanks?” She slides the paper into her bag and turns to Chloe one last time. “I gotta go.” 

Chloe winks up at her. “It was nice meeting you, Beca.” 

Beca only smiles in return and crosses the street to enter the building she was supposed to be at fifteen minutes earlier.

She doesn’t wait for the elevator, Beca flies fast to the stairs and jumps two steps at the time, arriving to the second floor and knocking fast at the door in front of her. 

The door opens and the blonde woman behind it smiles sweetly at Beca. “Hello, Beca. You’re a few minutes late.” She walks away from the door, inviting Beca inside.

“I know and I’m so sorry, Dr. Posen.” Beca gives her psychologist an apologetic look and sits down on the gray little couch in front of Dr. Posen’s table. 

“Hey, there’s no formality here. Remember-“ 

“I’m your friend, not your doctor.” Beca says along with the doctor. “Okay. Aubrey.” She smiles awkwardly. Dealing with people isn’t really her thing. 

“How are you feeling today?” Aubrey asks her, the pen never leaving her hand. “You chose the gray one.” She refers to the couch.

“Oh.” It’s all Beca can say, because she didn’t really realize. 

Aubrey has this method of measuring people’s humor: there’re three couches in front of her table. Brown, gray and yellow. When Beca’s feeling down, like she had always felt since the appointments began, she sits on the brown one. It’s something her subconscious does without her knowing. When she’s sad, it leads her to choose darker colors. 

And for a reason she doesn’t know how to explain, Beca automatically sat on the gray one. Maybe things were starting to change for her. 

“So, any news?” Aubrey looks at her intensely, ready to pay attention to each and every word Beca says. 

Beca thinks about everything that happened on the last week. 

Her brother and his college.

The visit her father said will happen in a few weeks. 

Her mom talking too much in her head, as always. 

The way she hasn’t eaten correctly for the first time since she started doing her treatment two months ago. 

Beca goes for something different this time. “I met someone today.” 

Aubrey’s eyes grow surprised at Beca’s mention of someone new. “Well, tell me more about it.” 

The smile that surges on Beca’s face is sweet and shy, filled with emotions she doesn’t show often. “I didn’t get to know much of her, only her name.” She looks down at her joined hands, her lips still curved up. “But she is beautiful and I don’t know, she just looks... happy. She made me feel good, I can’t explain why.” 

The Doctor writes something on a paper and turns to Beca again, smiling sweetly at her. “Feelings are complicated to explain, Beca.” Aubrey tilts her head a bit, analyzing Beca’s expression. “But I’m glad you payed attention to a simple day-to-day moment. Have you ever felt like our lives are always in rush, like we’re always thinking about our future instead of enjoying the present?” Beca nods faintly to her. “Kids are too forward nowadays and start thinking that to make it count it must be something out of normal, something extraordinary. But then when we re-read the word, the concept changes and we realize that ‘extra’ and ‘ordinary’ could be simply simpler, totally mundane.” 

“What is the the simple for you?” Beca asks without thinking, too many real life facts for her to assimilate. 

Aubrey blinks at her and cleans her throat before answering. “The simple, for me, is to just follow my way, giving empathy, offering my heart in a caring way. Going on as I can through any path. Until I realized the one and only thing people can’t live without.” 

“And what is that?” Beca asks again. 

“Love, Beca. In any way it comes.” Aubrey takes a long breath and doesn’t say anything else for a while, waiting for Beca’s response. When she realizes the brunette runs away from her eyes, Aubrey reaches up to squeeze Beca’s hand lightly. “What I’m trying to say, Beca, is that you must realize that the secret of everything, the joy of life is not to valorize the future, but hat we have now.” 

Beca thinks about that for a while before Aubrey speaks again, suddenly changing the subject and asking Beca to hand her her notebook. 

That notebook is the greatest fear of Beca’s life. 

The notebook that controls everything she eats and when she eats. Beca promised to Aubrey to stay honest about the things she writes there, to write down each and everything she eats. 

And for the first time Beca lied, adding foods she still can’t even smell and rocks in her pockets with the hope to see the end of her treatment sooner than it was supposed to end. 

She tries to not let Aubrey see the guilt on her face as she steps onto the balance, her face serious and uncaring. And Beca thinks it works, she really does. 

Until Aubrey lifts an eyebrow and asks her if the few grams she won has anything to do with the rocks in her pocket. 

The sun is shining weakly when Beca leaves the Doctor’s house. 

She looks to the other side of the streets, looking for any sight of the redhead she met before, but she’s nowhere Beca’s sight can reach.

A man is sitting where Chloe was earlier. He reaches up and tells people he’s hungry, asking them if they can help him. Beca watches as everyone gives the man their food. His eyes glow at the amount of things to eat he now has and Beca thinks there’s no way he was lying about being hungry. 

When Beca arrives home, she feels down and cries, wondering what would that man think about her if he knew what she does with her food. 

If he knew Beca has it and avoids it.

Reaching to her journal at her desk, Beca forgets about the bag wrapped around her right shoulder and it falls to the ground, revealing her phone, notebook and a piece of white folded paper. 

She grabs the paper, wondering what was inside of it that made Chloe want to give it to her. 

There are shades of blue, white and gray. 

It’s a snowflake. 

*** 

**Summer **

“I wanna take you somewhere.” Beca gestures for Chloe to follow her and the redhead grabs her hand. 

Chloe has been doing that a lot lately.

Stealing little touches whenever she can, always finding a way to step closer to Beca, as if she can’t keep herself from doing so. 

It’s been a few weeks since they first met. Beca started leaving home earlier than before so she could sit down beside Chloe on the sidewalk, just to talk. Chloe was always there with her canyons and drawings and eyes as blue as the cleanest oceans, bringing smiles to Beca’s lips and bandaids to her heart. 

Chloe is mysterious, Beca thinks. She’s all rainbows and sparkling magic, but Beca can see some sadness on the gray, black and white clothes the redhead is always wearing, like it somehow doesn’t tell who she is but where she came from. 

Beca guides Chloe to the stairs in the corner of the 12th floor of the building where she lives. She follows up with Chloe behind her never leaving her hand, as if the redhead needs it to remind herself of how to walk. 

The rooftop of Beca’s edifice is her heaven. It’s possible to see the entire Central Park and the buildings that seem far away, but standing there, Beca feels as close to the world as she’s ever been. 

Beca sits at the edge of the rooftop, both legs crossed and Chloe sits down beside her. 

“Too much light pollution.” Chloe says, lying on her back and staring at the darkness up above. 

Beca mimics the redhead. “What do you mean?” 

“We have too many lights down here, it makes it hard for us to see the ones up there properly.” She points a finger to the starts. 

Beca doesn’t say anything, just stares at the darkness above her. As her eyes start adjusting to the low light, little dots full of light start showing up as if they’re answering a silent pray Beca never made. 

She thinks about Chloe’s words and realizes how true they are. Beca has been at the edge of her world many times, too distracted by the lights of the world down there which she’ll never fit into, to pay attention to the universe up there. The one she could actually be a part of. 

Chloe shifts beside her, crossing her arms on her belly and never taking her eyes away from the sky. The smile that reaches Beca’s lips comes easy and surely. She twirls a little so she’s facing Chloe instead of the sky. “So, why a snowflake?” 

Chloe’s eyes meet hers and for an instant, Beca thinks the redhead has all the stars living inside of them. “Uh?” 

“The day we met you gave me a snowflake drawing. Is there any meaning behind it?” Beca clarifies. 

“Oh.” Chloe smiles shyly. “I do have like a snowflake metaphor.” She stays quiet for a while and Beca’s heart tumps so hard inside her chest due to Chloe’s proximity, she thinks the redhead might hear it. Chloe shifts so her knees are touching Beca’s. “It might sound silly, but you know how a single snowflake looks like it’s the most fragile thing in the world?” Beca nods. “But then a second snowflake arrives, then a third and a fourth and a fifth. And together they are strong, together they are beautiful. And... well, to admire their beautifulness, we have to be there, too. Outside in the cold.” Chloe smiles at Beca once she’s finished. 

Beca smiles back, delighted with the little pieces of Chloe’s mind she gets to know bit by bit. 

“That’s beautiful, Chloe.”

_You are beautiful_ , she wants to say but never does, her mind confused about the amount of feelings the redhead makes her feel. 

There’s a new girl on Beca’s biology class. Beca has no idea who she is, but she remembers the way she couldn’t stop looking at the girl. She remembers her dark hair, chubby cheeks, red lipstick and the way she couldn’t stop smiling. She was looking down at her phone and even after she turned it off, the smile was still there, as if it was a part of her face like her eyes or nose. 

And then Beca wondered what happened to make the girl act like that, who or what could be the reason behind her natural and unworried smile. As Beca watched the girl, she got to the conclusion that she was far from having a sick mind like hers, like we were two different ropes. The girl is the new and strong rope while Beca is the old one. 

The one which ties are almost untied completely.

Beca puts herself in a sitting position and observes the traffic down on the streets. Every time she watches the city movements from the roof of her building she realizes in a greater scale how big the world actually is. She watches the car red lights as they glow and go away, each one being replaced by the ones that come next. 

There are hundreds of people out there. People like Beca, who suffer and care too much. She thinks about the girl with the red lipstick and gets herself realizing she wants to feel like that too. Beca wants to feel so incredibly happy so her smile couldn’t be erased from her face. But then she thinks a bit more and realizes everybody wants this. All the people inside those cars want to feel like that, too. The need of being happy is the only thing they all have in common, isn’t that the reason why they’re here anyway? 

But the concept of happiness is still to vague for Beca’s mind. She thinks about the things she does everyday, when she’s laughing at something Dylan said. The silly smile that plays on her lips whenever she sees or talk to Chloe, the girl who makes her heart beat faster or the way her face lights up when she greets her colleagues at school or her cousins at a family reunion. 

_This is being happy? This is what happiness should feel like?_

Because if it is, there must be something Beca didn’t get yet. 

Chloe reaches out and laces her fingers with Beca’s, pulling her until she’s lying again looking at Beca like she’s expecting something.

The stars feel close enough for them to touch. Beca holds Chloe’s hand strongly, her eyes closed for a few minutes, trying to calm herself down. 

“I can feel your heartbeat through our joined hands.” Chloe brings Beca’s hand to her chest, close to her own accelerated heart. “Mine feels like that, too.” She smiles tenderly at the brunette in front of her before letting go from her hand to gently stroke Beca’s cheekbone. “There’s something I really wanna do, Beca, but I don’t want to freak you out.” 

Beca’s tongue suddenly feels too big for her mouth and she swallows with difficult, whispering a little “I won’t,” before having her lips gently covered by Chloe’s. 

Curling her toes inside her heavy boots, Beca brings her hand to Chloe’s waist, holding her close. And for a minute her brain screams at her, question what she’s doing and Beca thinks she might freak out. But Chloe’s lips taste like promises and her tongue is warm as it slides against Beca’s in a slow kiss that makes both girls shiver in this summer night filled with stars. 

Chloe sucks and nibs at her lower lip before licking into her mouth again, Beca’s tongue meeting her in the middle. And it makes Beca feel everything at the same time.

She feels warmth filling her body from inside out, she feels happy in a way she hasn’t felt again since her father left. But also, Beca feels lost. 

And that’s why she gently pushes Chloe away, turning her head to the opposite side. 

“I shouldn’t have done it.” The amusementChloe tries to hide in her tone reaches Beca and she turns to face the redhead again. 

“No, it’s okay.” Beca assures her, bringing her hand to meet Chloe’s body once more. “It was- it felt like...” 

“What?” Chloe asks, shifting closer so their lips are almost touching again. “What it felt like?” 

Beca only smiles at her, eyes glowing with a feeling she isn’t used to. “It felt like hope.”

***

“What’s the thing with these clothes you wear?” Beca asks Chloe one day as they walk down Times Square. 

Chloe moves her shoulders, as if saying she doesn’t really care. “What’s wrong with them?” 

“No, nothing, I mean,” Beca takes a collecting breath, wishing she could take her words back. “They’re beautiful, it’s just that... they don’t look like  _you_. ”

“Oh,” Chloe smiles. “They’re my sister’s. I’ve been living with her for the past two years and I’ve never really cared about clothes.” 

“But do you like them?” Beca insists. 

Chloe shrugs. “They’re okay.” 

“Come on, Chlo.” Beca stops and holds the redhead by the shoulders. “An _artist_ wearing these serious clothes? I feel forced to do something about it.”

Chloe laughs as Beca pulls her toward the nearest shop. A kind of laugh that’s genuine and real and it warms Beca up from inside out. It makes Beca wish she could laugh until becoming someone else. Someone that’s free from her problems and from her sick mind. 

Beca waits until Chloe decides the clothes she wanna buy. The redhead touches each piece of clothe and analyzes them carefully, as if she’s never seen such variation of colors in her life. 

When she comes out dressed in a sky-blue dress with yellow flowers all around it, Beca feels like the whole air was taken from her lungs. Chloe twirls in front of her. “What do you think?” The redhead strikes a silly pose, making Beca giggle a little. 

“I think it’s perfect.” 

Beca wants to say she thinks Chloe is perfect too, but once more no words leave her mouth. 

They leave the store and walk toward the Central Park. It’s twenty minutes away but Beca manages to do it in fifteen, walking fast and surely. 

Once they arrive there, Chloe is gasping softly. “You walk fast for such a tiny person, you know.” 

Beca sits down under a tree. “The faster you walk, the bigger is the amount of calories you loose.” She tries to joke, but Chloe looks at her seriously. 

“You don’t need to loose weight, Beca.” She sits down beside Beca and squeezes her hand. “Your body is as it should be.” 

It’s inevitable for Beca to not roll her eyes at that. That’s what everyone says. “Right.” 

Chloe sights in a tired way. “I’m serious.” She tries to catch Beca’s attention again but the other girl’s already lost inside her own world. 

The kids are too loud playing with water and running everywhere. That’s why Beca loves summer. Summer is all about freedom and youth and finding yourself, doing experimentations here and there and exploring. 

But also, summer makes Beca want to believe. And that’s why she hates it. 

When she comes down from her thoughts, she realizes Chloe’s put a flannel towel on the grass and a few tuppewears with fruits as well as a bottle of apple juice. 

“You should have told me we were having a picnic today.” She jokes. “Lucky you I’m not hungry.” 

_Liar_ . She’s actually starving and holds onto her sleeves strongly, trying to keep her hands from shaking. 

“Come on, Bec. You haven’t eaten anything and it’s almost three o’clock already.” Chloe takes a watermelon with the fork she’s holding and points it to Beca. “Here.” 

Beca turns her head away, laughing at the way Chloe speaks like she’s a baby, before looking at her again and accepting the fruit in her mouth. 

Her stomach rolls and Beca thinks for a moment she might fall with it, but somehow she manages to stay steady as she accepts all the other pieces of fruit Chloe gives her (except bananas, too much sugar), letting Chloe  _feed_ her. 

And it feels strange, but also it feels incredible and gentle and Beca wants to cry about how sweet Chloe’s being to her. How much she’s slowing changing her. 

But suddenly they’re finished and Chloe’s getting up to leave for her therapy session with the promise of meeting her later again. Beca hugs Chloe tightly and tenderly, not wanting to let her go because for the first time in a long time, Beca feels as someone’s finally _seen_ her instead of just _look_ at her. 

Chloe gives a quick kiss to Beca’s forehead before standing. “Don’t do anything crazy.” She turns around to give Beca a wink and then she’s gone. 

Beca sits down under that tree, feeling her belly full and swollen and trying to avoid thinking about relapse. She can’t. 

It’s not fair to her mom and Dylan and Aubrey. 

It’s not fair to Chloe. 

But it’s also hard to sit and let the guilt swallow herself completely, so Beca gets up and go back to walking until she reaches the Times Square again. 

She took ten minutes this time. Desperation does that to her. 

Beca finds the place she was looking for and enters it, finding a dirty-looking guy on the other side of the table of the reception. 

She asks to schedule an hour, as soon as possible. The guy tells her that the lady will be free in ten minutes. 

Beca takes it. 

She sits on the chair when the woman calls for her and forty minutes later she’s leaving with a tattooed wrist. She hides the little draw beneath her long-sleeved shirt and leaves to meet Chloe again. 

That’s not a big deal, she thinks. 

She just needed to feel something,  anything.

And it’s not the worst thing she’s done to herself. Not even close. 

When Chloe meets her and they head to Beca’s apartment, suddenly feels like the world is falling around them. The rain iscold, they hold hands and run fast between thunders in a heavy rain. 

Beca lets go of Chloe’s hand and runs with her arms open, feeling free. She knows she’s actually far from finding her freedom, but Chloe makes her believe. 

Chloe is rain and sugar and sweetness. Beca wonders how it is possible all the colors to live inside one single person. 

When Chloe collides against Beca’s body and kisses her with raindrops in her lips, Beca holds on the hem of her shirt and kisses her back, hard. 

She opens her eyes to find the bluest skies looking back at her. Raindrops are all over Chloe’s red lashes. 

_This is summer. _

***

**Autumn **

Autumn arrives embracing the city with shapes of gold yellow and sunset-orange.

Beca feels peaceful around autumn, every year. It’s something she can’t quite explain, the way the sun beautifully matches the colors in the city gives Beca a serene feeling, almost as if she could feel peaceful within herself too. 

And there’s Chloe. 

Chloe, whose hair matches the season even more perfectly than the sun. 

Chloe, the girl Beca has been kissing and the girl who saves a special place inside her heart.

Beca snuggles closer to Chloe’s chest and feels the way the redhead’s arms fit so perfectly around her waist. She tilts her head upwards and guides Chloe’s down to meet her lips in a tender kiss, just because she can. 

She then looks down again, realizing something in Chloe’s ankle she has never seen before. Beca pushes herself up to look closely at the little drawing.

There’s a star and two heels together inside a circle, the drawing beautiful tattooed into Chloe’s pale skin. 

“What is it?” Beca asks curiously. 

“Well, duh,” Chloe traces the drawing carefully with her fingers. “That’s a tattoo, Becs.” She smirks up at Beca, who rolls her eyes, but feels the smile taking control of her lips.

“I know that, but what does it mean?”

“Wizard of Oz.” Chloe explains. “My all time favorite movie.” 

“Oh, okay.” Beca searches inside her head any memory that tells her she’s actually seen it. “The girl in the blue dress?” Chloe nods. “Who goes to an imaginary place with weird talking-creatures and that big-headed queen?” 

“That’s Alice in Wonderland, baby.” Chloe laughs. “I can’t believe you were singing Goodbye Yellow Brick Road when you actually never watched Wizard of Oz. That’s like a sin.”

Beca frowns. “I’m not one for movies.” 

“No way.” Chloe gets up, grabbing Beca’s laptop and placing it onto her lap. “You’re watching it right now.”

Chloe’s comment has Beca literally pouting and lying back into the couch dramatically. “Come on, Chlo.” 

“Don’t  ‘_come on, Chlo_’  me.” Chloe imitates her. “You can totally be an attentive girlfriend  _and_ a movie lover.”

“ _Never_ a movie lover.” Beca points out to Chloe. “I can enjoy them, not more than that. And it depends a lot on the movie.”

Chloe extends both her arms and pulls Beca to her body, so her head is comfortably settled against Chloe’s upper body. And that’s the way they spend the next hour and forty-one minutes, Chloe happily singing each and every song while Beca tries to absorb any thing from the classic. 

Once the movie is finished, Chloe asks Beca to go for a walk in the Central Park so they can watch the sunset together. 

They walk side by side in comfortable silence, with hands that never leave each other and silly smiles on their lips, until they reach the Wien Walk at the Central Park. Beca climbs onto the top of the rocks and Chloe follows, settling against her chest while they wait for the sun to start its beautiful descent through the sky. 

“Why is Wizard of Oz your favorite movie?” Beca asks.

“I used to watch it with my mom when I was little, she had great admiration for Judy Garland and I get it from her.” Chloe shifts, moving forward a bit so she can look at Beca while she speaks. “I always thought about the girl who kept imagining what she would find over the rainbow and even going to that wonderful place, she still wanted to go back home.” Chloe blinks a few times and when Beca realizes she’s fighting with tears, she shifts forwards so their bodies are touching again and wraps her arms around her middle, resting her head on Chloe’s shoulder. 

“Hey.” Beca presses a few light kisses to Chloe’s neck, her fingers gently stroking the redhead’s forearms. “It’s okay, Chlo.” She whispers. 

Chloe sighs before talking again. “I decided I wanted this tattoo after she passed away when I was seven and I got it when I turned eighteen. It’s a way of reminding me that home can be a person instead of a place and also honoring her. I just...” She stops, inhaling deeply to bring air back into her lungs. “I miss her so much.”

Beca holds Chloe tightly than before, burying her face into her neck, smelling Chloe, breathing into her skin and just taking everything Chloe is and beautifully means to her. 

She thinks about the movie and realizes just how Chloe has a Dorothy inside of her. This fantasy expresses a lot about who Chloe is, an intelligent, sweet girl who is always looking for meanings and constantly showing to the Scarecrow that he has a heart, to the Tin Man that he has a heart and to the Coward Lion that he is brave. 

It might be meant for kids, of course, but the story surprisingly makes Beca think about how people are always looking for something without realizing they already have it inside of them. 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Chloe is suddenly speaking again, eyes glued to the sun that is setting between a rainbow of orange and yellow and pink. “The only way that death is beautiful.” 

Beca frowns. “What do you mean?” 

“I think this is the most beautiful season of the year, my favorite one. But the leaves only look like that because they’re dying, Bec.” Chloe explains, putting more truths inside Beca’s head. 

“I still prefer winters, though. The excuse of being too cold to be outside is really attractive.” She jokes, making Chloe laugh. 

“Come on, Beca!” She pocks Beca’s waist. “Don’t you think that’s stunning?” 

“Sure, baby.” Beca says jokingly, but almost looses her breath when Chloe’s face is suddenly serious, bringing some heat to her cheeks and each part of her body. 

“You have no idea what you make me feel when you call me that.” Chloe’s eyes don’t look away when she talks firmly. 

Beca’s hands start shaking lightly and she wonders if it has anything to do with the amount of hours she’s passed without eating. But then she realizes that no. 

It’s Chloe. 

The way Chloe looks at her, supports her and makes her feel like she’s worth something. Makes Beca feels dizzy in a good way, and she just doesn’t know what to do with that feeling. 

She goes for something Chloe said earlier. “Before we watched the movie earlier, did you, um-“ Beca shakes her head and looks down, feeling shy. Chloe squeezes her hand encouragingly. “Did you, like, callme your girlfriend?” 

Chloe smiles wide and bright. “Kinda.” She slides closer, bringing both her arms to circle Beca’s neck. “Why? Do you want me to?” 

Beca doesn’t even blink as she answers. “Yes.” 

Chloe looks relieved and laughs nervously, tears filling her eyes once more. “Cool.” She whispers.

They kiss sweetly as the sun beautifully kisses them back, building a bubble of warmth, hopes and dreams around them. 

***

It’s almost nine when Beca arrives home. 

She walks to the kitchen expecting to find her brother, but finding her mother instead. 

“Hey, mom.” She greets. 

Julie places a kiss into her daughter’s hair.“Why you arrived so late?” 

Beca settles against the table and runs a hand through her hair, nervously. “I was, um... just went on a walk with Chloe.” 

Julie turns to her, curiosity filling her eyes. “You spend a lot of time around with that Chloe girl, don’t you?”

Beca breathes shakily. It’s not like she’s dated a lot, so she never had that kind of conversation with her mom. And she feels incredibly nervous. “I’m actually dating her.” She just shoots right away. 

Her mom stops cutting tomatoes to turn around so she can look at her and then Beca feels like the world stopped for a moment. She braces herself for what’s about to come. She’s so sure she’s about to hear the big speech of an unsupportive parent to their gay - bi? - kid. Beca can almost hear the words of pure disgust. 

But the only thing she can find in those eyes that look so much like hers is surprise. Julie leaves the knife atop the tomatoes. “That weren’t very common when I was your age, you know.” 

Beca blinks a few times as her mom’s words settle inside her head. There wasn’t any judgment in her voice. 

“Well, you were too busy running away from dinosaurs to pay attention to the city girls, mom.” There’s the sarcasm again and then her mom is laughing. 

“Watch your mouth, young lady.” She says jokingly. “I’m not that old.”

“So you’re not... disappointed?” 

“Why would I be disappointed?” Julie walks closer to her daughter and wraps both her arms around her. Beca suddenly feels as if she’s out of breath and she holds tightly onto her mother, because until then she hasn’t realized she was crying. “I’m so proud of you, Honey. In every aspect, you’re doing your treatment which I know is very hard and if Chloe makes you feel happy, I don’t want you with anybody else.” 

Those were the words Beca didn’t know she needed to hear so badly. Her mom acceptance, her support and the way she gently strokes Beca’s hair like she used to do when Beca was little bring peace to herself and warmth to her heart. 

Beca awkwardly untangles herself from her mother’s arms and politely tells her to go back to what she was doing before, feeling embarrassed about her tears. But she doesn’t want the conversation to be over, because it’s so rare to actually get to talk to her mother like this, so careless, that Beca sees herself speaking the first thing that comes in her mind. 

“Was it hard to love my dad?”

And the answer comes easily, as if her mom was expecting Beca to ask just that. “No, never has been.” Julie smiles. “Your father was very charming. I fell in love with his mind and the way he sees the world.” She sighs, in a way that tells Beca there’s a movie passing into her mom’s head. “I still carry a great admiration for the person he is.” 

A feeling of incredulity grows inside of Beca’s chest. “But he cheated on you.” She says quietly. 

“It’s pretty inconvenient to realize you’re running out of love with your partner.” Julie sits down on a chair and Beca moves to sit next to her. “Your father cheated on me, he did. But he told me about that. Our marriage wasn’t going great, we didn’t have any moments of intimacy anymore,” Beca murmurs an “ew”, making her mom laugh again. “I don’t mean only between the sheets. Being in a relationship goes far beyond that, Honey. It’s about little touches here and there, it’s the feeling of having your body too hot and too cold at the same time, the good kind of trembling whenever you see the person you love.” Julie reaches out to put a curl behind Beca’s ear. “That’s what you’re going to find out with Chloe, all the things you two are going to live and build together.” 

“Well, I have to become someone first.” 

“You’re eighteen, Beca. You have the whole world ahead of you.” Julie smiles tenderly. “But what I meant with all that, is that the relationship starts to die when you loose these feelings. Your father and I didn’t have it anymore, so he needed to find another person that was able to bring them back to him.” Beca stars to speak again, but her mom interrupts her. “I know it wasn’t nice. But honestly, I think he was scared. We had Dylan and you, and in respect of all those early years of young love, I forgave him. But I asked him to leave.” 

“We all make mistakes, Honey. The way we deal with them is what differences us from the others.” She finishes, placing a kiss to Beca’s forehead and going back to finish dinner. 

When Beca lies down in her bed and thinks about her mom, it’s the first time she thinks about her like a human. Not  _mom_,  but a woman. Or a girl who fell in love with a boy and felt all those weird, silly feelings she now feels when Chloe’s near her, a young woman who got married and a woman who gave birth to her, eighteen years ago. 

Beca thinks about all the sacrifices her mom has been doing for her since the day she was born, and then there’s the guilt again. 

She blames her dad for cheating her mom and leaving. 

She blames her mom for her sick mind and everything that’s wrong with her. 

And that’s just not correct. 

Beca notes two things inside her head:

She only doesn’t get to be in touch with her father because she doesn’t go after him. 

Her mom’s got her own demons too, and even though most of times it feels like she doesn’t care about Beca, it’s not her fault that she’s all fucked up like that.

It’s her own. 

***

**Winter**

“Can you tell me about your childhood?” Aubrey asks. “A memory you love from when you were little?” 

Searching memories inside her head is not something Beca does often, so she spends too much time trying to find a moment she actually wants to talk about. Once she does, though, she smiles and the words fly out so easily as if Beca’s sure that was the happiest day of her life.

She tells Aubrey about a family travel they had many years ago. Beca doesn’t remember the place exactly, but she remembers there was sand and an infinity of sea just for themselves. 

Beca had a picnic in the sand with her family and then she and Dylan went to chase seashells at the edge of the ocean. The Summer sky suddenly turned into a big storm that felt like the world was ending. The waves were wild and strong but there wasn’t any thunders or lightnings and Beca turned to see if her parents were going to ask them to leave. 

But they didn’t.

Her mom and dad were running freely in the sand, approaching Beca and Dylan. They ran together around the beach and Beca never realized how happy that memory is, the only memory she actually has of them as a family.

But then Beca asks herself how much of that memory is altered by her own mind, changing a bit the perspective of the lens she was seeing through or the feelings she was feeling back then. 

And she tells Aubrey that, too. 

“There’s so many feelings you haven’t felt yet, Beca.” Aubrey tells her, that same look that calms Beca down filling her face. “Just wait a little more, because they’re almost here.” 

But that’s exactly the problem.

Beca doesn’t know how longer she can wait before a tragedy happens.

But she doesn’t tell Aubrey that. 

Beca gets lost in thoughts when she gets home. It’s so complicated when people ask her, “Are you okay?”, because her first thought is always  _no, I’m not okay_.  She hasn’t been okay in a while. 

But she acts like she is, smiling as if it’s not a big deal that people tell her she looks too skinny in a sick way, because, honestly, who cares? 

Who cares if she’s anorexic and if that fucking disease can literally kill her? 

No one does. 

And honestly, neither does Beca. 

She gets up from the couch when the doorbell rings, opening it to find her girlfriend smiling at her. 

“Hey, babe.” Chloe greets, pecking Beca’s lips and entering the house. “Is Dylan here?” 

“No, he left with his friends earlier.” Beca tells her, already settling up her laptop for her and Chloe’s Harry Potter marathon. 

“That’s too bad, he said he wanted to watch the next movie with us.” Chloe approaches Beca, circling her arms around her neck with the couch between their bodies. “What do you remember from the last movie?” 

Beca murmurs a long “hum” and bites her lower lip as she thinks, which makes Chloe plant a kiss on her cheek.

“Okay, so Harry went back to school and there was that little elf.” Beca waits for Chloe to sit next to her before keep going. “A few students and that cat were petrified because of that big snake-“ 

“The Basilisk.” Chloe corrects. 

“Yep, that one.” Beca goes on. “Then Harry finds out the Chamber of Secrets, fights the Basilisk and destroys Voldemort’s diary.” 

“Good job, babe.” Chloe pecks her lips once more. “I really like that you’re actually watching them.”

The third movie starts, putting an end to their conversation. 

Beca finds herself actually enjoying this Harry Potter marathon, instead of just enduring the movies as she usually does. It might be the way Chloe talks so excitedly about them, or just the fact she’s there sitting by Beca’s side. 

When they reach the part where Lupin is teaching the students a spell that you need to think about your happiest memory before casting it, Chloe pauses the movie and turns to look at Beca. “What would you think about before casting Expecto Patronum?” 

Beca thinks for a moment and ends up telling Chloe the same story she told Aubrey earlier. “What about you?” She asks.

“The day when I first kissed you.” Chloe shoots.

Those few words makes Beca feel dizzy, so in an attempt to try and stay steady, she grabs Chloe by the waist. Chloe turns to her, giving Beca a look that makes her body too hot. 

She guides Chloe down so their lips can touch, even though she doesn’t understand that knot in the pit of her stomach. 

That’s new to Beca. 

This desire of getting close to Chloe, of kissing her all the time and this urge to touch her whenever she can.

Chloe’s hand tangles into Beca’s hair and the other circle her waist, bringing Beca closer to her in an awkward angle that makes Beca’s body ache. 

Beca places the notebook aside on the couch as Chloe pulls her right leg, bringing Beca to her lap while her tongue makes her mouth open in a much bolder kiss. 

And even though Beca doesn’t consider herself a very romantic girl, she’s still a girl. With expectations and insecurities that makes it undeniably even for herself that being touched the way Chloe touches her, with such passion and affection, and having her mouth filled with kisses that might take all her breath away any second, awaken in Beca the feeling of being alive instead of just passing through life. And that makes Beca realize that being with Chloe it’s great for her longing-for-good-things heart. 

But the moment Chloe’s hands find the hem of her shirt, Beca freezes and breaks the kiss. 

She looks at the way they’re so intimately glued together and realizes the way Chloe’s body tenses beneath her own. And for a reason, it makes Beca feel like crying. 

If only her insecurities about her own body would allow Beca to be with Chloe without any problem. 

“Bec?” Chloe whispers. 

Hearing Chloe say her name with such doubt is what brings Beca to the edge and makes all her tears fall at once. She hides her face into Chloe’s neck and cries for everything she’s never cried before. 

She cries for her fears, for her insecurities and for the way her mind always seems to control her.

She feels lost, sad, ashamed. 

And after what felt like a whole lifetime, Chloe’s still there when Beca calms herself down. “I’m sorry.” She says, her voice a bit muffled for Chloe’s skin. 

“You have nothing to feel sorry for, Beca.” Chloe assures her, her hands moving across Beca’s back. “I’m sorry if I went too far.” 

Beca shifts back to look at Chloe. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I just...” 

The words die inside Beca’s throat, as if she doesn’t have enough air to say them aloud. 

“Is it because of your anorexia?” Beca bites her lip while managing to give Chloe a faint nod. “Bec, it’s just me.” She smiles and reaches up to gently stroke Beca’s cheekbone. 

“That’s exactly the problem, Chlo. It’s  _you_. ” Beca squeezes Chloe’s shirt, only to have something to hold onto. “If it was anybody else, I wouldn’t mind. But it’s you, and I just love you so much, I don’t want you to see me the way I see myself.” She says, not really paying attention to any of her words. “I don’t want you to see what everybody else seem to see about me, my anorexic body, my skinny tights, that’s just...” She runs her fingers nervously through her hair. “I don’t want you to feel disgusted by me.” 

Chloe looks paralyzed. She doesn’t say or do anything for so long, Beca actually worries if she’d talked too much. 

But then Chloe’s hand is reaching to touch Beca’s chin, lifting her head so their eyes can meet. 

“I wish you’d see yourself the way I see you. You know what I see, Beca?” Beca shakes her head. “I see a beautiful, kind and smart woman who is insecure enough to let her lack of self-confidence erase her shine. But, baby, you are so, so pretty.” Chloe marks her words with a kiss to Beca’s forehead. “You shine. And your shine lights up everything. I would never feel disgusted by you.” 

“It’s so complicated.” Beca gets out of Chloe’s lap and sits next to her again. “You just don’t understand, Chlo.” 

“I’m trying to.” 

“I know.” Beca tells her, reaching out to lace their fingers together. “Something my psychologist always tell me, is that anorexia isn’t a part of me, but my body isn’t going to change in a blink of eyes.” She stops, waiting for Chloe to absorb her words before keep going. “What I’m trying to say is that my body is the way it is, and it will take time until it gets back to normal, but...” She stops, not sure of what she’s going to say next. 

“But?” Chloe encourages. 

“But I... I don’t want this fucking disease to keep me from being with you, so...” Beca lifts both her arms, inviting Chloe to take her shirt off. 

“Bec, we don’t need to-“

“Just do it, Chlo. It’s okay.” She smiles shyly. “I want you to see my body, so the insecurity won’t come again.”

Chloe doesn’t move for a few seconds, eyeing Beca with such admiration and love it makes a shiver run down Beca’s spine. 

Once the redhead reaches the hem of her girlfriend’s shirt again, Beca tenses but lets Chloe pull it higher and higher until she’s shirtless. 

Beca trembles under the way Chloe looks at her and she feels so small she closes her eyes for a second, resting her forehead against her girlfriend’s until Chloe’s hands touches her own and guides them to the hem of her own shirt. 

Beca opens her eyes and if inside any dark room of her mind she was still feeling sorry for the terrible day she was having, the way Chloe looks back at her and gently pushes Beca’s hands under her shirt as they pull the shirt off together, reminds Beca that the day isn’t over yet. 

That it is still Saturday, and maybe her wishes to have a good day were fulfilled. The effort Beca has to make to open her eyes can’t be compared to the courage she needs to have to stay shirtless in front of Chloe. 

All of her insecurities go away once Chloe suddenly is shirtless too, and maybe Beca is so focused on how soft her skin looks to realize the desire shining in the ocean-blue of Chloe’s eyes. 

“See? No biggie.” Chloe whispers, offering her a smile. “Can I touch you?” She asks softly, afraid of doing any move that might scare Beca away.

When their eyes meet once more, Beca reaches out and places Chloe’s hand over her body, feeling intoxicated by her sweet voice and the mix of pleasant feelings Chloe’s proximity bring to her. 

Beca feels the barely-there touch of Chloe’s hand on her abdomen go further up until she’s tracing her fingers around her light pink bra and she freezes, feeling tense and insecure. But then Chloe’s hand squeezes and she’s gasping in surprise. 

“Is that okay?” Chloe asks. 

“Yeah.” Beca answers, her voice sounding breathless. 

And then Chloe is asking her to lie back down and kissing Beca hungrily. Her languid, slow kisses going down to Beca’s neck, the curve of her breasts and then her abdomen, sucking on the skin until she’s sure she’s left a mark. 

Beca moans and buries her fingers into Chloe’s hair, holding it up so it won’t fall over her face. 

The hot touch of Chloe’s mouth in Beca’s skin makes Beca shock internally, lightingan until-then-unknown feeling up. She observes Chloe’s bright eyes that look incredibly darker as she follows back up so she’s face to face with her girlfriend again, and as Beca runs her hand through the small of Chloe’s naked back, it doesn’t occur to her mind to question what that feeling is. It doesn’t matter because Beca’s body burns and she can’t think about anything but that feeling intoxicating her. 

A feeling she’s never felt before. 

“You know,” Chloe starts, still trading kisses into Beca’s neck. “My therapist always told me I need to have courage in the little moments of my life.” 

Beca’s too distracted by the way her girlfriend kisses and gently nibs on her collarbone to think straight, so she ends up talking the first stupid thing that fills her mind. “What did you do to make them push you to therapy?” 

Chloe stops kissing her and her face looks weirdly serious. “I killed someone.” But then her grin appears and she’s laughing freely, bringing her forehead to rest against Beca’s, whose smile is too wide to fit in her face. “Oh, and by the way,” Chloe brushes her nose against the-only-girl-able-to-make-her-heart-miss-a-beat’s. “I love you, too. I love every bit of you, Bec.”

Beca forces her arms onto Chloe’s back, making the redhead rest her all of her weight against Beca’s body. 

That’s another feeling Beca just learned she loves. The way their naked bellies touch, their breasts firmly pressed together, Chloe’s face looking flushed and her kiss-swollen lips centimeters away from Beca’s. “I love every bit of you, too.” She tells Chloe, even knowing her girlfriend already knows it. 

Chloe seems to be enjoying the sweet moment as much as Beca, and she holds onto it, burying her face into the crook of Beca’s neck and settling there for a while, making the moment last, cherishing it. 

When Chloe gets up, Beca feels cold, already missing the welcomed warmth her girlfriend’s body brings to her. Once they’re wearing shirts again, Beca brings Chloe’s lips to meet hers again in a kiss that’s way too sweet compared to the ones they’ve shared mere minutes before.

But this one taste different, as if they’ve reached a different relationship level, learned a different language.

A language that speaks of understanding, of trusting and specially, of loving. 

Someone cleans their throat and both girls turn their heads to find Dylan smirking at them from the door. 

“I can’t go bowling with my friends for a couple hours without coming home to find you trying to take your relationship with my little sister to the next level, huh?” He points to Chloe, who laughs and throws her arm over Beca’s shoulder.

“She’s my  _girlfriend_,  Sir.” She smirks while Beca blushes. “We can totally take the relationship to the next level.” 

Dylan approaches the girls, places a kiss to Beca’s forehead and high-fives Chloe before separating the girls to sit down between them.

“Can’t believe you guys don’t waited up for me.” He complains, taking the laptop and placing it onto his lap as he taps on the mouse to resume the movie. 

The three of them finish the third Harry Potter movies between small talks and laughter that makes Beca’s belly hurt, and yeah, it’s weird, she thinks. 

It’s weird to have a girlfriend who marks your belly so the thoughts you’ll have when you look at it won’t make you sick. Beca realized that  yes , loving makes you feel the most weird and unexplainable feelings. But it’s so good to know she’s found her someone who doesn’t give a shit about the way she looks outside, but the way she is in the inside. 

Her day was so good Beca doesn’t expect to crash shortly after Chloe leaves.

It starts as it always does, with an imaginary-something that blocks her throat and makes Beca feel as if the whole world is out of air. Her hand shakes uncontrollably, so she leaves the glass of water she was about to drink on the sink and tilts her head down, closing her eyes strongly. 

Aubrey says that’s only her mind playing with her, showing Beca it has the control over her being and that Beca needs to fight it with everything she has. 

But it seems and feels so painfully true right now. 

Within short few seconds Beca is gasping for air aloud. Her vision is weird, there’s black dots all around and she doesn’t realize the moment Dylan arrives beside her. Maybe because she was trying so badly to not faint.

“It’s okay, Bec.” 

She feels the water Dylan puts on her wrists and the back of her head, but she doesn’t really register anything. 

Dylan stays with Beca until she calms herself down. “What did you eat today?” He asks.

Beca feels incredibly mad and stands, her still-shaking body protesting with every single move. “This is not about food, Dylan.” 

Dylan rolls his eyes. “I’m making something for you to eat right now, Beca.” He gets up and opens the fridge, searching for Beca’s food. “I’m tired of watching you act like you don’t hear what your psychologist tells you, what Chloe tells you, what everybody-“

“Shut the fuck up!” Beca yells with all the strength she has inside her weak lungs. “You have no idea what’s it’s like to just want to break down and destroy everything. You have no idea how hard it is for me to not relapse every fucking day because I’m so tired of all this, I don’t wanna live like this anymore.” Her voice waves but Beca doesn’t really care anymore. “When it all started, my mind made me believe I couldn’t pass a specific weight and now that I’m almost reaching it again, I don’t know what to do. It’s been six years of living with that fucking disease and sometimes I just think I don’t know how to live without it anymore.” 

“Beca, I d-“

Beca lifts a finger to shush him. “So don’t come and tell me I act like don’t listen what people tell me, Dylan, because you’ll never understand how it feels like to live like that.”

If sadness had a color, it would be the way Dylan’s eyes look as he whispers, “You’re dying, Bec.” 

“I know.” 

It’s everything she shoots back to her brother before turning around and leaving to her room. 

Everything that happens next feel unreal to Beca, because deep inside she  _does_ _know_ she’s slowing killing herself. 

Beca grabs her phone and enters her mother’s bathroom. 

She wants these voices inside her head to shut up, she wants all these thoughts to go away. But she can’t think straight, she can’t stop  _thinking. _

She text Chloe, telling her beautiful girlfriend how sorry she feels for being a coward. 

Her vision is blurry due to her tears that never stopped falling and everything around her feels like a movie. And for a moment, Beca does want to die. 

Beca does want to die when she grabs her mother’s bottles of medicine.

She wants to blackout and forget everything. 

She wants it all to be over.

So Beca just takes them and swallows as many as she can.

Once she realizes what she’s done, she throws herself to the first solid thing she finds, even though she knows the impact of her body against the wall can’t make her go back in time. 

The voices wanted to destroy her. Little did Beca know that by taking the medicines, she was doing just that. 

***

Both her arms feel heavy and she can’t move them. 

Beca tries to open her eyes, but the lights are too bright, so she shuts them once more before trying again. 

Her vision takes too long to focus and she blinks lazily, trying to recognize the three figures in front of her.

Her mom and dad are standing side by side, hold one of her hands and Aubrey stands on the other side, her slender fingers playing with Beca’s knots. 

“I’m alive.” She tries to say and swallows painfully when no sound comes out. But Beca needs to hear those words aloud to make sure she’s still there. “I’m alive.” She repeats, her voice sounding broken, but everybody heard her. 

Her mom moves to hug Beca carefully. “Yeah, baby. You are.” She kisses Beca and whispers how much she loves her, Julie’s fingers never stopping the soft caresses through her daughter’s hair.

Aubrey approaches Beca from the other side of the bed. “I don’t know how I didn’t realize you are my sister’s girlfriend.” She smiles. “I mean, how many Becas exist in New York City?” Beca blinks as the news settle into her mind. She spots Chloe and Dylan asleep on the couch behind Aubrey, their heads using one another for support. Beca tries to speak once more, but Aubreydoesn’t let her. “Don’t try to speak right now, Beca, it will hurt even more. Just drink some water while I’ll call the Doctor.” 

Darren grabs the glass of water and approaches his daughter, standing where Aubrey was before. “Hey, kiddo.” He helps Beca as she drinks the water sloppily, due to the tube into her nose. “I missed you.” 

Beca smiles up to him.  _I missed you too, dad_,  she wants to say. But her throat is too dry and her mind feels foggy, she closes her eyes and takes too long to open them again. The Doctor arrives, but Beca doesn’t remember his face or his name, she just lets her heavy mind carry her to a dreamless sleep. 

In the five days Beca has to stay at the hospital, no one talks about what happened. No one asks her why she tried to do that. They only make sure to let Beca know how big is their love for her, they give her support and just stay by her side.

Darren flies back to Seattle, with the promise to come back so they all can have a Christmas dinner together. 

On Christmas day, Beca wakes up to coldness. She hears quiet sniffles by her side and opens her eyes to find Chloe holding her hand tightly. 

“Chlo.” She whispers, lacing their fingers together. Beca moves her weak body to the side, giving room to Chloe lie down next to her. “Come here.” 

Chloe carefully settles beside Beca, instantaneously burying her face into her girlfriend’s neck. “I thought I was going to loose you.” She cries. “Your heart stopped, Beca. For nine seconds. I just- I didn’t even finish to read your text and when I found you on the bathroom floor...” Chloe stops. The words die inside her throat as she holds onto Beca’s body for dear life.

“I’m sorry.” Beca cries, too. “I’m so sorry I messed up your Christmas.” She turns to look down at Chloe. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

And they lie together on the hospital bed, holding each other and cleaning each other’s tears as they watch the Christmas lights outside the window mixed with the snowy dots that fall from the sky to join another ones, becoming stronger ones. 

Their bodies shaking and warm, feeling young and old. 

And that’s how Beca knows. 

How she knows they are alive. 

***

**Spring **

Day becomes night, night becomes day and just like that spring is back again. 

Beca runs her fingers through Chloe’s beautiful red curls as they sit together at the top of a world at the edge of another collapse, watching buildings that sight and shake and gyrate like a kid tapping his shoed toes. 

Chloe reaches out to grab her girlfriend’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I realized this when you were at the hospital.” She says, referring to the tiny tattoo in Beca’s right wrist. “What does it mean?” 

Beca thinks about everything that happened on this last year. 

The many suns risen, the rain that fell, the snowy dots that found each other, the sky that opened. All the days spend by Chloe’s side with a scent of promise.

The heart that healed. 

A brand new world was given to Beca when she woke up at the hospital, where for nine seconds no one knows what happened to her. A second chance. 

A reminder of life and living and loving and magic. 

Of listening, surrendering and healing. 

Of learning how to forgive herself for not knowing how to fix everything. For her clumsy, wild ways.

Beca looks down at the little snowflake tattooed into her skin and then at the girl who sleeps in her dreams every day and night. 

The girl who taught Beca her place in this world and her strengths. 

The girl who taught Beca how to swim, that her gills are still there, hidden in her deepest dreams. That everything comes and goes. 

It always comes, it always goes. 

Beca’s still fighting every day. She still has bad days, but she allows herself to enjoy eating, to not keep counting calories. 

And anorexia doesn’t control her anymore. Chloe’s magnificence and sweet ways will remain in Beca as a constant reminder that she_, Beca_ is in control, that she is alive and she is lucky.

That she can’t give up.

“You.” She whispers, blinking her watery eyes to keep the tears from falling. “It means you.” 

She was wrong, Beca realizes as Chloe guides her head down to meet her lips in a soul-mending kiss. 

In this world where nothing is promised to people, Beca still got the most amazing woman to stay by her side. 

So living in New York City isn’t that bad after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> So, that’s it. 
> 
> I’ve been putting my experiences into words for a while, an exercise my psychologist says is good for me if I feel comfortable enough to share it. 
> 
> I was able to include in this story my three biggest loves: Wizard of Oz, Brittany Snow and Harry Potter. Brittany is a huge part of my healing journey-that sometimes seem too out of reach for me (she’s been through Anorexia herself and I find myself very inspired by her strength), Judy Garland is my favorite actress and Harry Potter reminds me of childhood, all the times I used to watch it and dream of magic and believe in a better world. 
> 
> So: Snowy is related to Brittany Snow, Dot is an abbreviation of Dorothy. 
> 
> And if any of you out there is going through Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression or just having a bad day, let me remind you: you’re SO fucking awesome. Don’t go too hard on yourself, because you’re doing great. You’re not a waste of space. The friends you’ll meet and the amazing feelings you’ll feel are not too far away. I promise you, it’ll get better, it ALWAYS does. 
> 
> And even though I never liked authors that describes theirselves into their stories and characters, I’m a person full of finding little meanings in everything and here I am doing the very same thing 🤦🏻♀️
> 
> If you’ve read it until here, I appreciate and thank you so so much. 
> 
> Love,  
G.


End file.
